we can accomplish this with transparency.
I can’t take all the credit it truly is a team effort. I had such a jagged up bringing that I can appreciate time to time going up the smooth side of the mountain. The Christ you see in me is merely a mirror that my wife positions ever so gently that it reflects my good side and not my flaws. She’s my house band; the one that ensure me everything will be okay because I’m prone to self-sabotaging a good thing. That’s something I dealt with all my life. Whenever I felt like life was too good to be true I would do something to ensure its demise. Two years into our marriage I suggested we get a divorce. Because I always felt I didn’t deserve God’s best… I was sinking into my chronic black hole that always leads to thoughts of suicide that was the sweetest place in the world to me. I love it. I wrote my best poetry. I visited places within my soul that I haven’t address for years. Only to keep me in that dark hole. For a year my wife suggested counseling. I would reject the thought because for decades I would look forward to retreating to that abyss. Well one day the thoughts of suicide turn into an actual hypothetical… What if… That’s when I knew I had to heed my wife request. Because I never visited that place before I would love to say I never visited that place again after counseling. That would be a lie. In all honesty I’m there now the dark place minus the suicidal thoughts. That would explain my Chatty Patty-ness. I know I gave you a mouthful, but you being a behavior therapist I figure you could handle it. Now other people may read this and say “He’s Crazy!” which is so dismissive. If I would have to self-diagnose myself I would say I have… Being a Black man in a land that can give two cents about me…lol
Okay I am just along for the ride when my husband turns on his transparency cloak and I am okay with it because I know it is healing for him. I don’t have the same strength as Tracie so I look to him for stability even in his dark moments and I know that helps to ground him in our love and relationship. I asked him tonight if he was assured of the fact that I would follow him anywhere and he said yes. He knows things about me that I have yet to recognize about myself. Why? Because that is the God aspect that should be waited on when seeking a Godly mate. This knowledge he has nothing to do with anything I did. Please understand this. My best friend and hubby has had some devastating blows in his life and if he is not careful the enemy lies in waiting to steal what God has promised a Godly wife and friend. We have had our share of struggles in our time together but God is what I will say and the heart of a man who was passed over by those before me because only God knew the healing I would need and he knew Tracie was up for the challenge because loving me forces him to not always put himself first. Because you cannot do that when you truly love another being selfish I mean.
Thanks for reading